Begin Again

Every day is a new beginning as they say, and today, I will start anew. My name’s Arnold and this is my new virtual space. I’m a 23-year-old hopelessly romantic gay guy who believes in ‘once upon a time’, ‘love at first sight’, and ‘happily ever after’ that, unfortunately, just got off an almost 2-year-old gay relationship which ended for about 3 months ago.

Our relationship, for me, was like a dream come true. Everything, I thought, was perfect. And losing him was my greatest fear. We first met online; a social networking site became a bridge to connect our lives. But just like any other relationships, ours, too, has come to an end. Believe me, breaking up and saying goodbye is hard to do, and it is harder to wake up the next day and to realize that he’s already gone. Breakups are never easy, trust me because I know. But of course, I don’t have an idea on everything about relationships, because if I did, then maybe I saved ours from taking apart.

Things happened so fast that I wasn’t able to hold his hand and stop him from leaving. I may not understand his real reasons, but all I know, I was in so much pain when he chose to walk off and throw everything between us away. I lost motivation towards work, I felt so uninspired waking up, and I lost focus towards my life. I have been so helpless that all I could do was to cry. It was very difficult for me to get over the moments we spent together, and to just forget all the dreams and future plans I had with him. I built my world around him, he gave me the joy I’ve always wanted and dreamed of.

Loving him made my life worth living. I thought we will be together forever, for a lifetime. I thought he will be there beside me until the end, but I was wrong, so wrong. I didn't see it coming. 'Forever' became just a word. I never knew that it was not as long as it used to be. I never had an idea that an angel could actually break my heart. I was so miserable that I didn’t know where to start. Yes, it was my first real heartbreak.

Questions like ‘Where do I begin?’ and ‘How will I start?’ revolved inside my head. Helpless and vulnerable I became, I was so unsure of what will happen the next day. I was so clueless. Will I be okay? I knew the answer was yes. I knew the pain will be there for a while and eventually I could get through. Of course getting over someone’s easier said than done, that’s why I am so thankful for my family and friends who helped me see the bigger picture - everything happens for a reason.

By having a great support system, I became conscious that the sadness that I felt can't compare to the joy that is coming. I know wonderful and better things are yet to come. I also come to realize that I still have a long list of things to-do and dreams I need to fulfill so I had to get going. I started blogging again to express how I have been after that awful separation. I want show that this is my new normal life and that I became a better person.

I believe in love and the goodness now more than ever. I know I am a work in progress; right now, I am in my recovery stage where my despair and misery have moved on towards the better and brighter days.